Sharing the Parental Load

by Jasna Cameron

My husband and I are both highly competitive people. While we appreciate this trait in each other on quiz nights and during tennis matches, when it comes to the subject of parental and household chores, it is a devastatingly destructive force in our gender inequity battlefield. It is a constant "who did more of what" torrent of snide accusatory comments, which leaves the accuser feeling like they've been taken for a ride, and the accused frustrated because their efforts are not being recognized. I, of course, always feel like I am doing the majority of the household and parenting chores (and am delighted that most of the research on the topic supports my frustrated feelings), while my husband is constantly trying to prove he is the champion of the modern dad/enlightened spouse league.  This competitive drive makes us want to outdo each other in our areas of strength, but it also makes us feel resentful. It's a bit of a conundrum.

This phenomenon is nothing new or exceptional. Research supports my hurt feelings and shows that in about half of the households where both parents work, the mother bears the brunt of the parenting responsibilities. We are still in the grips of the historically imposed rules where women (no matter their career status) are in charge of the domestic duties, while men are free to prioritize their jobs. Furthermore, all the "behind the scenes" work, crucial in raising a child, is barely recognized and appreciated by the general public or those on the receiving end.

Is there a problem?

Because of this gulf, our mental and physical health is at stake. The first important step is to acknowledge that there is a problem. Yes, in theory, we are all very progressive, embracing the gender-fluid roles and shunning the prejudices imposed on us by the misogynist societies of old, but when it comes down to it, we still have a lot of work ahead of us.

So how do we go about creating more gender equality in our homes?

Communicate

The most crucial step is to improve communication lines between, dare I say it, "the warring parties."  Talk about it, and let each other know how you feel. Talk about what this all looked like in your childhood home because your upbringing ultimately shaped your parenting roles. It will also help you understand what makes the other one tick.

Pre-plan

As with any other assignment, draw up a project plan. As crude and basic as it may seem, it will give you a good starting point from which to tackle all the upcoming challenges. This may include drawing up a list of chores and being as detailed as possible. The list is not set in stone and can be (and should be) revised as often as you like. Some sound advice is to volunteer for the responsibilities you prefer.  For example, if you are good at cooking, and enjoy it, then own this task. If your spouse likes to drive, let him be the family chauffeur. Take advantage of modern-day technology and use a linked planner, enabling you to help each other out should the need arise.

Accept Help

Please do not be shy to hire help should your finances allow it. It will free up your time to focus on each other, rather than washing the bedroom windows on a Saturday morning. Your relief can arrive in various forms if you cannot afford hired help. Ask your parents, parents-in-law, or friends to offer a helping hand. Also, who says that the focal points of this whole debate cannot alleviate the pressure as well. As soon as they are old enough, the kids must learn about responsibility, and what better way than to get them involved in household chores.

Be aware of “gatekeeping

Men and women approach parenting differently. While I may think I know everything best (and maybe I do due to purely biological factors which gave me the initial headstart), I need to let him make his own mistakes. But, who says it is a mistake if he does it his way? Mothers need to let go and accept that even though dads have a completely different approach to feeding children, helping with schoolwork, and meeting social obligations, the kids will be just fine. Instead of bossing your partner around and telling him to do it your way, respect his views, and he will be keen to do more. Also, refrain from pointing fingers and assigning blame if something does not go right. You are both in this together. 

Conclusion

In conclusion, understand that everyone is different. There is no one size fits all instruction manual to make it all better. Your job is different from mine, just like my kids and my partner are different from yours. Adapt where you can, and add some new ingenious ways of sharing this heavy parental load. But remember that even though you are splitting the parental load 50/50, you must both give it your 100% to make it work.

And last but not least, appreciate each other. Nothing makes me want to give more than when I see how supportive and grateful my spouse and children are, and my spouse needs the same feedback from me.