Why New Moms Are Not OK

by Jasna Cameron

I was the first one in my group of friends to have a baby.  While all my other friends were still partying hard, traveling the world, going to concerts, and chasing those job promotions, I was walking around with a baby bump. It was such a novelty, and I loved all the attention. I was determined to show everyone how amazing this adventure could be so that they would all jump onto the parental bandwagon. I had it all planned out in my head: how I was going to be one of those super yummy mummies, with my figure back in no time, back at work acing my new projects, going out to birthday parties and events looking fabulous while carrying my equally fabulous offspring in tow. I would be living proof that babies can fit into their parents' lifestyle and not the other way around, proving my mother wrong with all her, "Once you become a parent, your life changes forever" predictions. No one was going to change me; I knew who and what I was, and I liked it!

And then my baby arrived….and my mother had the last laugh…

Why is being a new mom so hard?

It is hard because there is nothing out there that can truly prepare you for what you are about to experience. The transformation from being a young adult to a young parent is one of the most difficult challenges of our lifetime.

Just the other day, my cousin, one of the most organized people I know, announced she was pregnant. When I say organized, I mean to the last possible detail. She color-codes her shoe cupboard and has daily reminders beeping on her phone at regular intervals to keep her routine in check. I felt sorry that I couldn't put into words what is about to hit her. "Sweetie," I kept thinking, looking at her happy, oblivious face, "There is no amount of preparation and organization that is going to make this upcoming part of your life any easier. Be prepared to be unprepared".

You may land up with a no-eating baby, a no-pooping baby, a baby who won't stop pooping, or the uncooperative burper. Then there are the sudden changes in the sleeping routine the moment you pat yourself on the back because you finally got them sleeping through the night, or inexplicable crying even after you have done every possible thing under the sun to make them happy and comfortable. The list never ends. Your life resembles Groundhog day, with highlights like emptying the diaper disposal bin, putting bottles in the sterilizer, refilling the humidifier, looking for the ever missing bath thermometer, changing the batteries on the cot mobile above her crib, emptying the diaper disposal - oh wait have I done that already?

The only thing you can do is to learn how to roll with the punches. Expect the unexpected.

How do you deal as a struggling new mom?

I let my pride take the better of me, and it almost killed me. I refused to let anyone know how desperately I needed help with even the basics. It didn't fit in with my initial plan of acing this baby-raising project. I had done so much preparation.  Why was I not getting this right? Why was I so overwhelmed by the most natural thing in the world? Why could I not get the hang of this motherhood thing like every other woman in the world since the beginning of time?

It took a while to realize that I was not alone.  Most mothers struggle. We are not born with a magic infusion of motherly wisdom.  We often don’t know why our babies cry, and what they want, and we are constantly obsessing about things like whether our child is going to fail at life because they use a pacifier, or whether we spend enough time singing nursery rhymes.   

We also often don’t feel like we know who we are anymore.  It’s common to feel angry, depressed, confused, and overwhelmed all at once, and feel like we just want out.  We also often feel like this phase will last forever, that this is our life from now on – that we will always wake up in pools of breast milk, or forever have our child sleeping in the bed with us.

It was at this point that my mother’s looming predictions of “your life will change forever” rang the loudest in my head.  Just know that you are not alone – almost every mother feels these pangs of panic during the motherhood journey. 

What happens to the baby when the mom is stressed

While a good amount of research has been performed focusing on the relationship between the stress levels of pregnant women and fetal development, only a few shed light on the relationship between stressed-out new moms and the development of their new baby. Those that explored this relationship highlighted what I think any mom would tell you straight. The baby knows. They feel their mother's anxiety and react to it negatively. Not only can the increased levels of stress impact your normal functioning and hinder the care you give your child, but your increased stress levels can also raise the baby’s stress levels. Increased stress levels in a baby lead to diminished brain development.

Taking time for self-care should be a priority every day. Self-care includes ensuring that you eat nutritious food, drinking enough water, and take some time to exercise each day.  Any kind of movement has physical as well as proven mental health benefits and it’s one way to start reclaiming a feeling of ownership over your body.  Consider a slow daily walk, or set aside 10 minutes a day for focused yoga or stretching.  Sometimes even just taking time for a warm bath (on your own) can help settle the anxiety that looking after a newborn can arouse. 

Why do new moms cry?

Most moms are brought to tears by the rollercoaster of hormones still ravaging their bodies after nine months of pregnancy and the trauma of birth, but there are a few other factors we should be aware of.

If you are not a mom, try not sleeping for days on end, feeling like everything is always out of your control, and being so out of your depth, with no idea what you are doing while trying to keep your tiny, helpless baby alive. Who wouldn’t cry?  Add to that the pain of breastfeeding. I was in so much pain; it felt like a hundred needles were piercing my breast every time my daughter latched on. There were tears, so many tears.

When do you start feeling normal after having a baby?

Good question. A doctor can give you a better answer to your physical recovery as each woman and each birth is different. But when it comes to your mental and emotional recovery, it is mostly in your hands. Start doing things slowly to get yourself out of the chaos. When your partner is there to hold the fort, have a long bath.  When your mom comes for a visit, go to your yoga class. Then one day go shopping, then a week later have coffee with your friend. Don't forget your partner. Grab any chance you can to go on a date.

Conclusion

Yes, my mom was right. Everything changed. My baby didn't fit nicely into my old regular routines the way I had initially envisioned. My daughter changed my life forever, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. She made me see everything through a different light and appreciate dimensions of life I never even imagined possible.  I found a new normal with my old self forming the base from which my new self rose like a phoenix from a fire with a mommy badge on. I know who I am again, and I like it!  Remember, it does get better.  Your baby won’t be a baby forever.