Mom Rage is a Real Thing

By Jasna Cameron

"Patience, when teased, is often transformed into rage."

-Proverb

Rage is not quite as simple as anger. Experts point out that anger leads to rage, but rage is experienced when anger is no longer under your control. Rage is more intense and unrestrained than anger. It is more persistent than anger, and simmering rage makes you feel on edge, and the slightest provocation can trigger a violent outburst.

What is Mom Rage?

Mom rage can't be a real thing, can it? Moms are all about love and cuddles, smiles and kisses, hugs and happy things, right? A mother will move mountains for her children, shielding them with love and care. There is no feeling stronger than a mother's love. But moms are also human. And being a mother is considered one of the most demanding and challenging jobs there is.

It is therefore not surprising that a mother may fly into a fit of rage when her children are arguing while she is on the phone to the bank, with the pasta burning on the stove, and she has a meeting with her boss in ten minutes.

I have experienced many of these moments myself, which made me roar like a lioness and kick a cupboard door when my kids wouldn't stop taunting each other.

Is Mom Rage a thing?

Even though it has not yet been defined in clinical terms, experts refer to mom rage as "the uncontrollable anger experienced by mothers which can lead to verbal and physical outbursts."

Our fragile psyche cannot even put rage and motherhood in the same sentence. It is inconceivable that those two concepts go together. Motherhood is gentle and sacred, while rage is destructive and scorned. For this reason, mom rage is shunned not just by society at large but also by moms. Moms keep silent for fear of being judged. If she owns up to experiencing rage, what kind of a mother is she? Obviously not the saintly martyr glorified for her selflessness, patience, and compassion. Mothers are overwhelmed with feelings of doubt and guilt for letting themselves be overcome by such a shameful emotion.

Just as rage is not a simple feeling to explain, motherhood is a far more complex process to comprehend. And when you put those two together, the complexity intensifies.

Where does it come from?

"Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath."

We must understand that rage is not just a simple explosive reaction to a single irritant or a momentary trigger. It is also not a default trait of specific personality types. It can affect anyone, and all parents can succumb to it, even if they have never experienced problems with anger, depression, or anxiety.

Mom-rage needs to be understood as a symptom of all the unmet needs of mothers that society fails to address, making the mental load of motherhood too much to bear. Mom-rage is just the tip of the iceberg. The only difference is that it is noticeable because it is loud and violent, whereas what lies beneath the surface and the crux of the problem is emotional suppression.

Those suppressed triggers, the burdens mothers bear in silence, range from underlying mental health conditions to combinations of societal factors such as lack of support, financial strain, and/or relationship and work stress.

What leads to Mom-Rage?

From a physiological perspective, some 21% of new moms diagnosed with postpartum depression experience rage and irritability as the main symptoms. Even when postpartum depression has been addressed, many stay-at-home moms find that the overwhelming task of motherhood results in bouts of rage at times.

According to a New York licensed therapist, Sheina Schochet, when it comes to social influences, feeling out of control is a common precursor to mom rage. When society places unrealistic demands on moms without offering the necessary support, moms feel pushed to the limits of what they can handle.

Additionally, many moms have taken on the role of family breadwinner while still bearing the bulk of responsibility of child care and running a household, as revealed in a 2017 study. The worldwide pandemic threw another spanner into the works by creating more anxiety for fear of the illness and the accompanying economic hardships. Increased isolation and the pressures of homeschooling made mom rage even more prominent.

How do I deal with my rage?

1. First and foremost, you can work on eliminating the factors that lead to mom rage. For example, don't try to fit too many activities into one day if you know your little one will get overstimulated. If you work from home, try and schedule work meetings when you have the space to work - don't schedule meetings when you know it's lunchtime and your child needs to be fed.

2. Performing self-care activities is paramount. Get enough rest through sleep and relaxation, eat nutritionally-dense foods, and exercise consistently. Other aspects of self-care, like socializing and alone time, also form the basics of a balanced life. A balanced life will allow you to manage your reactions to the provocations and triggers before they turn into rage.

3. If you feel like you are succumbing to rage reactions more and more often, write down what triggers it and what you can do to avoid it. It will help you single out the needs which are not met or the issues which need addressing.

4. Just as in any other highly tense situation where emotions run high, the best way to calm yourself is by pausing to take a few deep breaths. Deep breathing helps you control your nervous system, which lessens your stress response.

5. Remove yourself from the trigger. Just walk away and take a short break.

6. Have a mantra to help you keep your mind and body focused on calming down. Mantras are used for meditation, so find one that speaks to you, such as, "Be calm and kind" or "I'm patience and at peace."

7. And finally, if you feel things are beyond your control, ask for advice and seek professional help. A therapist will provide adequate treatment and stress management tools to cope with mom-rage.

Conclusion

Children learn to process their own negative emotions by modeling their parents' behavior. Expressing our frustrations through anger and rage is harmful, and we owe it to them to lead by example and show them that it can be managed healthily.

Honesty is the best policy in the case of mom rage. We must acknowledge that even though our love for our children is limitless, motherhood can also bring out the worst in us because of its relentless demands and challenges.