How to be Assertive Without Being Seen as Aggressive
by Karol Figueroa Banks, Gallup-Certified Strengths Coach
No one likes being called difficult. It’s demeaning, hurtful, and outright insulting. It can also damage your professional reputation. Women in positions of leadership sometimes have this problem to the extreme – especially if they are good at their jobs. They are often labeled a “difficult” boss for being a high-achiever and for pushing people to get results. What often underlies this unfair typecasting is the perception that women in leadership are too “assertive”.
Assertiveness is a highly-valued workplace quality important for those in positions of leadership. However, a thin line exists between what is considered assertive vs what is considered aggressive. Technically, it is when assertiveness (asking what you want/need) becomes aggressive (asking in a way that others feel intruded upon or emotionally/physically hurt). Sometimes, however, even if one politely but firmly states their case, it can be perceived as a form of aggression or hostility.
Women in leadership positions at work are especially vulnerable in this sense. Our assertiveness and strength can unfairly be construed as aggression. This is because, according to stereotypes, women are expected to be acquiescent, ask for permission, and be polite; and so they feel they struggle for recognition and respect. Furthermore, strong leadership requires firm decision-making, being directive, and holding others accountable. Our ideas of what it means to be 'female' therefore do not fit our ideas of what it means to be a 'leader'. This disconnect often manifests as an unconscious preference for male leaders, putting women in a very difficult position.
Despite this difficulty, I have great news! It is possible to overcome this unfair stereotyping and come across as both resilient and polite, feminine, and confident. The following tips can help you appear both gracious and but assertive at the same time:
Improve your emotional intelligence.
Work-life primarily involves interacting with people: managing subordinates, reporting to a boss, or working alongside your colleagues. Career success is therefore inextricably linked to what other people think of them: individuals who are 'nicer' or 'friendlier' and more comfortable to be with can expect to do better across a wide range of jobs, particularly those with a strong interpersonal component. It has also been shown that emotional intelligence is a stronger predictor of success than competence. To improve your self-awareness and your ability to manage your emotions, consider practicing mindfulness and meditation. It's been said that a habit takes 20 days to establish, and attaching a new habit with an existing routine is critical for success. We recommend meditating first thing in the morning, right before or after you brush your teeth, or last thing before you go to bed at night. This makes it easy to remember, and it feels good to have a positive thing to check off your to-do list each day.
Communicate competence with warmth.
Women often use language full of qualifiers (I think, probably, maybe, very) and permissions (sorry, excuse me) to avoid appearing too aggressive when making requests or stating their views. This type of language can negatively affect perceptions of competence by suggesting uncertainty or weakness. Women can avoid appearing weak by keeping their communication clear and direct but add warm opening or closing messages to their statements. For example, greeting people with a friendly smile or ending emails with warm sign-offs.
Make Feedback a Personal Matter.
Feedback is extremely important for progress. In fact, it’s a necessary function in an organization that allows it to grow, become more effective and more efficient. However, the method in which feedback is delivered is vital to its outcome. Most people feel offended at receiving public feedback - it can be embarrassing and hurtful. Furthermore, it can make a superior seem aggressive and uncaring. It is therefore always advisable to dispense feedback in person and in private. It gives employees the freedom to ask questions and learn from their mistakes.
Be concise.
It has been found that women who are verbose or talk at length are unfairly perceived as less competent and more aggressive than their male counterparts. Try to be succinct and to the point. This effectively communicates competence and assertiveness.
Focus on clarity and facts – keep emotion out.
It is important to take note of your communication style. Being direct and clear works as long as you keep emotion out. If you are dealing with a difficult conflict and feel very emotional about it, process this emotion beforehand. You may need some counsel on the issue, and then you will be able to better communicate your position. Furthermore, focusing on the past and using overly direct language is a stick. Collaboratively focusing on the future is supportive, it's a carrot. And as cheesy as it sounds, never underestimate the power of a smile. It makes you much more approachable and it's a simple way to defuse the perception that you're aggressive.
Keep a journal.
Keep track of the times you felt you were perceived as aggressive versus assertive. Make sure that you connect with your leader, co-workers, and others, and ask for feedback about your leadership style. Ask someone you trust to become your accountability partner. This person can provide honest feedback about how you project yourself and how you can address shortcomings in your style.
Of course, all of this is easier said than done. Changing internalized behavior can be hard. Assertiveness and aggression are fundamentally different, and using the guidelines mentioned above can lead to a better outcome. However we should also remember that women are professionals, and they're entitled to act like it.
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