What Does It Mean to Be a Mother?

By Alison Heyerdahl

At first glance, this seems like a fairly straightforward and even rhetorical question.  Defining motherhood is easy – it’s simply bearing children and then nurturing them to become adults, right?  As a mother myself, I think most of us would beg to differ.  Many mothers would say that it’s the hardest, most stressful, and unrelenting job in the world, but also the most rewarding. 

Motherhood makes you question everything you think you know.   It’s exhausting, but purpose-giving, soul-sucking but inspirational.  The moment that small blinking bundle looks up at you and latches onto your breast for the first time, you feel as if you know why you were placed on earth.  Motherhood is the most sacred journey of your lifetime, and above all else, has the biggest impact on future generations. 

Why is the mother-child bond so strong?

From an evolutionary perspective, mothers have a natural tendency to be selective and protective of their own children.  This is because in utero certain hormones prime or prepare the brain towards maternal care and making milk available to their babies.  The female reproductive strategy is one of investing in the ability of our children to survive to the point of reproducing themselves.   While this may sound very clinical, it shows that our attachment tendency is far more primal than we may realize at first.  Our instincts have long told us to meet the needs of our babies, even when we haven’t understood why.  Cross-disciplinary research in the fields of neurology, psychiatry, biology, genetics, and psychology offers evidence as to why attachment is the cornerstone of infant development. 

Attachment theory, a term coined by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in the 1950s, explains why the mother-child bond is the primary force in infant development.  Bowlby became interested in young children’s response to loss and began studying how maternal bonding influenced the development of a child. 

Healthy attachments are those that serve to protect the child from fear and harm and assist in the safe exploration of the world.  It is the creation of a mutual bond, where the mother shapes development through her interactions and relationship with her child.  From a psychological perspective, it is theorized that the mother’s ego becomes an extension of the child’s.  An intertwining, if you will, where the mother automatically desires to fulfill the needs of her child.  This natural tendency comes about because babies are not born with the ability to decode and decipher meanings and emotions, and so they rely on the mother to help them navigate the world.  Children with secure attachments to their mothers adapt better to the world.  They feel safe and trust that their needs will be met.  Bowlby’s research clearly showed that attachment is a biological necessity.  He found that infants must have a close attachment with a consistent caregiver to ensure the protection of both the internal changes and environmental stimuli.  These bonds are critical both to infant development and the trajectory of later events in life.  From this perspective, it’s clear why the mother-child bond is so strong, and why the roots of love are actually biological in nature. 

Why being a “Good Enough” mother is better than being a perfect mother

Motherhood requires an intensely unique responsibility.   It requires caring for and essentially shaping the life of a human being.  Most of us feel it’s the highest stake job of our lives, and so we want to be perfect in our endeavor.

The work of famous psychoanalyst, Donald Winnicott, introduced the concept of the “good enough” mother.  He found that aiming to be the “perfect” mother can cause some unintended problems for both the mother and child.  According to his research, he found that you don’t need to be a perfect mother to raise a psychologically balanced child who feels loved and nurtured.  You simply need to be “good enough” and take care of your child’s basic physical and emotional needs.  If your baby feels safe and loved, she will be able to tolerate and forgive your imperfections. 

This may be difficult to understand at first because you’ve likely made personal, financial, and possibly professional sacrifices to be a good mother, so shouldn’t the results be better than just good enough? 

First of all, it stands to reason that perfection isn’t possible in any human relationship.  We need to stop thinking of motherhood as one-sided giving and realize that a healthier approach makes room for the mother’s physical and emotional needs too.

Winnicott states that the “good enough mother” starts out with complete devotion to her baby, sacrificing her own sleep and needs to fulfill the needs of her infant. The baby experiences the mother as a part of herself, and not as a separate person.   This is why those first six months of motherhood are so difficult.  As time goes by, however, the mother allows her baby to experience small frustrations.  She is empathetic and caring but does not rush to the baby’s every cry immediately.  She is no longer an extension of her baby but allows him to experience himself in the world as a separate human being.

If the mother continues to fulfill the child’s every whim for too long, it actually stunts the development of the child into a separate, autonomous being.  Winnicott believed that when the baby experiences small frustrations, they “develop a capacity to experience a relationship to external reality, or even to form a conception of external reality.”  In short, being a “good enough” mother is complex.  In the beginning, it requires the mother to fulfill and take care of the infant’s every need.  As time goes on, the mother must allow the baby to experience these needs without immediate fulfillment, thus engendering independence. 

Furthermore, it’s not possible to perfectly fulfill our child’s needs all the time.  It’s also important that children realize that the needs of other people are as important as their own.  It develops their own sense of empathy.  We also need to realize that we will fail.  Motherhood is one of the toughest jobs on the planet, and we will feel overwhelmed and as if we are not coping at times, but it doesn’t mean that we are failing our children. 

In other words, mothers that aim for compassion and authenticity will create a model that their children will learn from as they grow up.  It’s not necessary to be a perfect mother to have a good relationship with your child.  It’s your effort and caring that your children can feel and need the most. 

Lastly, a sign of psychological health is realizing that none of us are perfect. The biggest gift you can give yourself this mother’s day is to accept that you are not going to be a perfect mother, and you are not going to raise a perfect child. Since you are bringing your baby into an imperfect world, it’s more useful to accept that you are both human. If we could allow ourselves to be “good enough,” we would give ourselves and other mothers the permission to speak more openly and normalize all the difficult emotional tensions that arise during motherhood. Being “good enough” is actually better than perfect.

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