Improving Your Feelings of Self-Worth

By Wendy, Lactation Consultant (IBCLC)

Can you really and truly say that you love yourself and are proud of who you are? If that’s not something you can fully embrace, you are not alone—and there is nothing wrong with you!

Lacking self-confidence and experiencing feelings of low self-worth are actually more common than most of us realize, especially for women. And this is compounded tenfold when we become mothers.

Self-worth and new motherhood: what the research says

A study from 2017 from the Netherlands found that women’s self-esteem takes a plunge during pregnancy, after giving birth, and possibly for years to come. The researchers looked at data from 84,000 Norwegian women, collected over the course of almost a decade, from 1999 to 2008. These women were surveyed twice during pregnancy and three times after giving birth.

According to the researchers, self-confidence first dropped during pregnancy. There was a boost in self-confidence at about six months postpartum, but that declined again soon after. By three years postpartum (36 months), women were still experiencing decreased self-worth, even lower than before they were pregnant. The researchers stopped collecting data at that point, so they weren't sure if self-confidence bounced back after three years or not.

Why women’s self-worth so often takes a hit

This study makes sense when you think about it, and certainly if you’ve had a baby yourself. Having a baby changes you in significant ways. Pregnancy and childbirth take a strong toll on your body (researchers say giving birth is like running a marathon!). Your hormones are on a rollercoaster. And your identity changes dramatically. It can be jarring for women to go from independent people, perhaps focused on careers and self-care, to being the primary person a tiny baby is dependent on.

It doesn’t help that the work of motherhood is so often devalued in society. New mothers often feel intense pressure to “bounce back” – physically, emotionally, and career-wise, often with very little support. So much (often unrealistic) pressure is put on new mothers, and it’s no wonder that they so often feel lost after having babies and for years to come.

How can women improve their self-esteem and feelings of confidence? 

Improving your feelings of self-worth is more of a journey than an overnight process. You've got to think of it in baby steps. You're not going to wake up one morning and feel bursting with self-confidence. That said, once you realize that this is an area of life you'd like to improve, adding a few little things into your life (yes, even under quarantine) can make a huge difference.

5 Tips to improve feelings of self-worth

• Connect with a friend. This can be virtual, over text messages, or a walk through the park. Even getting a few minutes to remember who you are outside your life as a mom or a worker is vital.

• Sprinkle in self-care when you can. This looks different for each of us, whether reading a new novel, getting in a hot bath on the weekend, or going zoning out on social media. Even the smallest things can add up and make a difference.

• Ask for help. Don’t buy into the narrative that just because you are a woman, you must "do it all." That benefits no one. Ask your partner to step up around the house and help with the kids. Accept outside help if it’s offered.

• Take care of your mental health. All of us could use a kind, experienced person to speak to about our feelings, whether we are in a crisis or not. Finding a therapist or counselor you can trust is worth their weight in gold. These days, there are many online or telehealth options as well.

• Lower your expectations. This is probably the most important one! You don’t need to have a spotless house or perfectly groomed children to be a great mom or a great person. Focus on the most important things (that includes your own interests and needs!) and leave the rest behind.

Here’s the truth: You can’t pour from an empty cup. You just can’t. And the more you build yourself up, pay attention to your own needs, and hone in on the stuff that makes you you, the better person you will be to everyone in your life.